My Weight Doesn’t Match My Driver’s License Anymore

“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.”  Proverbs 14:30

 

In the many countries of the world, beauty is necessary and desired.  People spend billions of dollars on creams, pills, exercise programs, surgeries and diets to obtain an idea of beauty.  I did some of those things, which I failed or gave up. As I get older along with raising my daughter, I realize I need to be content with being a child of God and leading a healthy life.

 

A trip to the doctor’s office has never been fun for me.  Each visit comes with fear or trepidation, but every visit I learn a lesson or am reminded to be grateful.

 

I hit my head again.  My visit to the doctor was to do the neurological testing and see how severe it was this time around.  As I waited for my appointment, a woman asked for the restroom. While she was in the bathroom, the nurse called her back for her appointment.  Shortly after the nurse left the waiting area, the woman came back. I told her the nurse called her name. She said, “oh darn…I went to the bathroom in hopes to get out as much water weight as possible and I wore my lightest dress.” I laughed because, I too, was in my lightest summer dress and shoes to take off when I got weighed.

 

I began to recall that I go through a ridiculous process so my weight would be as low as possible when I got weighed at the doctor’s office.  Here is the list; make the first available morning appointment, wear lightest clothing and shoes, and do not eat or drink anything. It dawned on me; I reached a high level of ridiculous.  This issue about my weight needs to stop.

 

As I continued to wait, a husband brought his wife out of the elevator in a wheelchair.  She was in a lot of pain and had a catheter. Every foot she went, she would gasp from the pain.  My heart broke for her. I knew it was time for my pity party to end and I needed to be grateful for all I took for granted.

 

If I my weight didn’t match my driver’s license anymore, who cares?  And if someone tried to make me feel sorry about it, I wouldn’t want them in my life anyway.   I was still moderately healthy, had all of my senses and body systems are working. My focus should be on how God sees me, not the world’s view.  I had my appointment, and I sustained another concussion, but this time minor. My focus was now on my healing and recovering, not my weight, and that was quite freeing.

 

There is an incredible motivational speaker, named Lizzie Velasquez.  She was born with a disorder that has left her unable to gain weight, limited eyesight, and variety of other health issues.  Some horrible human being even coined her as “the world’s ugliest person.” Here is a link to one of her speeches.

 Lizzie is impressive and inspirational.  Her disorder hasn’t made her unhappy or angry. She enjoys her life and encourages others to find happiness.

 

Lesson Learned: Remember who I am in Christ and change my driver’s license to what I actually weigh.

 

Prayer:

“Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for every big and little thing I take for granted.  Help me see my value. Remind me to be healthy in all areas of my life: physical, mental and spiritual but not make it an obsession.  Thank you for protecting me and giving me life. In Jesus’ Name, AMEN!”

 

I Deserve to be Happy

“Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!  Therefore the world does not know us, because it did not know Him.”

1 John 3:1

 

“The boys you like will not like you because you are too fat,” said a close family member.  That statement devastated me. I tried to wipe the tears away quickly but they were coming down too fast.  The person saw my reaction and they said, “the truth hurts, get skinny.”

 

I spent many years after that, feeling depressed and worthless.  I tried my best to make myself invisible.  If I was thinner, only then I would be allowed to be happy. In the rare times that I would laugh or start to enjoy myself, the enemy would divert my attention to a thin woman with a handsome boyfriend or husband.  Then those words would come back and haunt me. I wouldn’t let myself be happy until I lost weight. But it never happened.

 

I abused my body by starving then binging.  Exercising for 3-hour walks and I could barely move.  While I was suffering through those hours-long walks on the beach when I saw a young woman on the beach in her bikini.  I wanted to jump off the cliff and hurl myself into the ocean, so the pain would stop.  Then I heard a voice, “that doesn’t matter to me.” It was so loud and clear.  I turned around and no one was there. I thought, great, now I am going crazy. But I knew down deep it was God. God loving me, loving his child, his creation.

 

It was the first time in a long time, I felt some peace.  I knew I needed to take better care of myself physically but to also take care of my soul.  When you are a sensitive person, it is hard to let go of nasty words or comments, especially from people who are supposed to love you unconditionally.  A lot of people in this world treat thinner and beautiful people better. But there is a large majority of people who couldn’t care less what I looked like.  We can discuss shaming people until we are blue in the face, but people still won’t get how wrong it is to degrade someone over their looks. So, we must see ourselves as God sees us.

 

I wish I could say I don’t care what people think, but I still do.  I am happy to say it doesn’t affect me as much as it used. God doesn’t want us thinking we are junk.  We are His children. He loves us so much. And He has opened my eyes to see how much love there is for me.  No matter our circumstance, we still deserve to be happy and experience joy every day.

 

Lesson Learned: We are all children of God, deserving of love and acceptance.

Prayer:

“Dear Heavenly Father, forgive me for falling for the standards of this world.  Help me to forgive those that say horrible things about me. Let me know my value.  Thank you for loving me. Help me be healthy in body, mind, and spirit. Break those strongholds that have been ruining my life and replace them with your strength and love.  In Jesus’ Name, AMEN!”

A Love Letter to my Legs

Dear Legs,

I haven’t been very nice to you in my life.  I never liked how you looked.  You tend to stay heavy, when the rest of me changes in weight loss.  I can’t find pants that fit.  I tried many exercises and diets to get you to look better but nothing worked to  my satisfaction.  I have decided I want my mind, body and soul to be connected in contentment.  So legs, I love and accept you.

I thank you legs, that you make it possible to walk.  You help me move through my days.  You protected me when I had that horse riding accident.  You kept me from breaking my femur.  I am sorry for not appreciating you.  I am sorry for not defending you when people called me fat.  I am sorry for calling you ugly.  But I am so thankful to you.

I will continue to have a positive, loving outlook about you.  Thank you for everything, I love you forever more.

Love,

Colette

 

Wasteful Thoughts are Wasteful

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,” 2 Corinthians 10:5

In my teen years, I struggled with an eating disorder. Even though the physical punishment of the disorder stopped many years ago, the mental anguish still surfaces. I get thoughts of feeling inadequate because I can’t maintain an ideal weight or my body can’t exercise like I did many moons ago. There are days now, I feel the hatred for my body, like I did when I was 14 years old. I was feeling self-conscious.

In the past few months, I have written about having a lot of back pain. Any kind of treatment I tried, nothing would relieve it. I did not want to take prescription medication. I finally took both prescribed medications and had some relief. After a few days on the medication, I noticed I was very swollen. I was retaining a lot of water. Clothes were tighter and the scale was higher. This made me very uncomfortable. I couldn’t get past the extra pounds. I thought, I can’t deal with more weight gain, I would rather be in pain. God spoke to me in that moment. I heard, “Would you want your daughter to ever waste a thought about how she didn’t like how she looked?” I felt that cold shiver down my spine and I knew it wasn’t from the back pain. I would never want my daughter to get wrapped up in that type of thought bondage.

I knew I had to also stop proclaiming my thoughts out loud or ruminating about how I didn’t like how I looked. I don’t need to blame the world for its distorted perception on beauty. I already know the world’s thoughts on that. My thoughts need to be true and focused on what is holy. If there are side effects from medication that helps, I need to deal with that. I will not be on them forever and things will adjust. If the pants size gets bigger, than I need to buy new pants. Maybe the scale needs to get donated. There are better thoughts to have in my life than my clothing size.

Lesson Learned: Focus my thoughts on what is true and noble.

Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for creating me in your image. I pray for healing over my health both physically and mentally. Holy Spirit me to see me as you see me. Renew my mind each and everyday. I pray for the chains and bondage to be broken of anxiety right now! In Jesus’ Name. AMEN!”

How He sees Me

For you created my innermost being: you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16

A few years ago, I was at a workshop about body image. There was a woman in attendance that talked about how chubby her 14 year old daughter was getting. She didn’t like it one bit. She asked what could she do to stop her from getting more fat. As I heard her complaints, I was fighting back tears as well as wanting to shake her. This is a difficult issue for me since I suffered from an eating disorder from ages 13-24. and still have lingering issues of self worth due to my physical appearance.

I was a very skinny child. So skinny, the doctor was concerned. But when I hit puberty, I grew outward, not upward. (I am still waiting for my chest to catch up with my hips…still waiting…). People started to notice the change: family, friends, enemies, my doctor. I received lots of comments, “hey what happened, you used to be so pretty?” “Uh you must be eating lots of hamburgers and fries.” “you need to go on a diet” (that came from a 10 year old). So, I starved myself and exercised for 2 hours a day to then binge eat until I was sick. Physically that is what I did to myself. But the worst damage came from the self hatred and the thoughts I had for myself. I didn’t see myself with any value. I was told no man would ever show me love because I wasn’t skinny like the other gals were my age. I closed myself off. I isolated myself. I didn’t think anyone would like me, even as a friend, because I was chubby. When the image you have of yourself, is not how God sees you, the enemy will tempt you to make some bad decisions. I made some bad decisions. I would be in church on Sunday, crying asking for forgiveness, to then go back to making those same mistakes the next day.

I finally had a turning point, with a dear friend’s help, I asked for God to have His way in my life. From this experience, I do believe God can put the right people in our lives to have us know how God sees us. After I made that decision for God to have His way, I met my husband. He loved all of me. I couldn’t believe the parts of my body that I berated and cursed at for being chubby, he loved. He told me such positive things about my physical appearance, I began to change on the inside and outside. Therapists, say this is backwards and that I should concentrate on the inside first. I did try but my words felt empty. God knows what we need. He sent my husband to bring me to experience true love and joy.

Now about the mother who thought her daughter was getting too fat… I decided to give that mother a piece of my mind. Just kidding. I would have gotten arrested. I excused myself and got into my car.  I cried and then wrote her a letter. In my letter, I told the mother to love her daughter unconditionally and to stop nagging her about her weight because she already knew it. Affirm her value of what a wonderful daughter she is, and be a good example to her. I told her a little bit of my struggle and how a family’s support is so important. So, I gave her the letter and told her this letter will shed light on her situation and ran out of there. I found out she cried when she read the letter and told the leader to thank me. I hope my experience stopped a young girl from years of torture. I am thankful that no pain is ever wasted.  God used my pain and recovery to help someone.

Prayer:

‘Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for your unconditional love. I thank you that you see me as valuable and worthy of goodness. I pray that you protect my mind from thinking I am not enough and that I do not have to fit the world’s unrealistic view of how my body should be. Let there be a shift in how the people in the world sees each other. Affirm in me, how you see me. Show us the right way to be healthy. In Jesus’ Precious and Mighty Name. AMEN!”